This is a picture of my Grandma's headstone and next to it are the flowers that I had recently laid when Gerald and I had visited her. This picture causes a lot of emotions for many reasons but for me the biggest reason was that I opened this email the day that I found out I was pregnant with Lucy.
That morning I had taken a pregnancy test (it wasn't a super cool one, just a plus or minus one) and the the plus sign was very faint. Gerald and I weren't sure if it really was a plus sign and since I had to go to work, we would have to wait until that evening to retest. But as soon as I saw that faint plus sign it was like I knew, of course I didn't want to get too excited in case I was wrong so the anxiety of waiting drove me crazy all day!
I knew I would feel 2 feelings the day I found out I was pregnant, one was overwhelming joy and the other was overwhelming sadness. Sadness because I knew I would not be able to share my joy with my Grandma. I have always had visions of sharing this time with her, watching her hold my baby and having her teach me things about be being a mother that only she knows (she was like a baby whisperer). So when she passed I knew I had to let go of that, it was difficult and still is accepting the fact that I can never have her physically here with me to experience the greatest joy of my life.
So there I was, it was the middle of the day, C (little girl I watch) was napping and I went to check my email. In my inbox, on the day that I was waiting to find out if I was pregnant, was this email with this picture. She was with me. I am not a religious person and I cannot say what happens after death but I know on that day in that moment I felt my Grams. I knew I was pregnant at that point, test or no test. And sure enough later that afternoon I took two digital tests and both said "pregnant." And even though I will never get to make that call to her and hear her voice sound off in excitement and love that she will once again be a great-grandma, that day she was with me, that picture gave me some of the comfort I needed. I will always miss her and I will always love her, I wish so much that Lucy could have heard her stories and tasted her cooking, watched her hands as she sewed but unfortunately life isn't always fair or kind so if pictures and memories are all I can give my daughter of her amazing Grandmother than I will show her them often and speak of her daily.
Xoxo,
Amber & Lucy
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